Sunday, March 25, 2012

Sunshine On My Fingertips

There is a strip of sunshine running across my fingertips as I type. It makes me smile.

A year ago tomorrow I stepped away from blogging, unsure of whether I'd start again or not. It took months for me to stop looking at happenings in my life as bloggable moments. The break has been good.

But here I am, giving it another go.

I don't know what exactly I've learned in the past year. I do know I'm further down the road including the times when the road has seemed to circle around to the same stuff. My spiritual director would say that even though the view sometimes looks the same it's from a different place on the road.

Deeper awareness. Hopefully, deeper acceptance. The more layers that get peeled off, the deeper the hope. Funny how the more aware I've become of my humanity, the more I've been able to accept myself. And then when that happens, change not only becomes possible, it happens.

I spent so many years fighting to distance myself from my humanity, protesting that "no, I'm not like that", whatever that was in the moment. Whatever I see in others is in me, too. I'm much more the same as everyone else than different.

I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to accept that reality. I was never going to be human. I was aiming for super human, better than, better. These days I am content to be me.Yes, there are moments what seems like long stretches when my ego runs the show. Sometimes I recognize it in the now and sometimes after the fact.

Yesterday I jumped off a diving board. Water went straight up my nose and burned like hell. I coughed and sputtered when I surfaced and swam to the edge of the pool where I heaved myself up and rested. One of many who jumped. No need to be the only one, the best one. Just me. Being a kid in a middle aged woman's body.

9 comments:

Patty said...

How I have missed you, Hope! I think of you so often and how instrumental you were in helping me help myself. Welcome Back!

Erin Wilson said...

It's nice to have you back here :)

Lisa said...

It makes me smile to see you back here!

That last paragraph in particular made me grin :)

Hugs!

Joy said...

Welcome back!

Beth said...

Lord have mercy.

I have missed you!

So glad you are back. So glad you dove in, straight in.

Welcome!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Welcome back :)

annie said...

I too am thrilled to see you back! I don't know how I missed this first post! Welcome back, my friend!

Black Pete said...

Welcome back, Hopester! And boy, do I ever understand the diving board bit...! ;)

daisymarie said...

I'm so happy to see you back. I have come and just looked at your page and prayed for you over the year. (Just picture me smiling hugely.)